Most relationships aren’t fairy tales. They’re a mix of good times and frustrations, attraction and annoyance, closeness and distance. Research confirms what many couples already know: nearly half of all connections are ambivalent – meaning feelings are mixed, not purely positive. A study of long-married couples found that 60% feel ambivalent toward their partner. This isn’t a sign of failure; it’s a natural part of long-term intimacy.
Why Ambivalence Matters
Ambivalence isn’t just an emotional state; it has physiological effects. Interacting with someone who evokes mixed feelings raises blood pressure, and chronic ambivalence can even contribute to artery hardening. This is why ignoring mixed feelings is dangerous. It doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed, but pretending everything is perfect masks a reality that can harm both mental and physical health.
The Cycle of Mixed Feelings
Many couples fall into patterns of attraction and avoidance. One partner may pull away, then return when the other starts to distance themselves, creating a volatile cycle. This isn’t necessarily toxic, but it’s unsustainable if left unaddressed. Ambivalence often emerges during major life transitions – moving in together, having children, or making other big decisions. These events force couples to confront the pros and cons of their commitment.
The Upsides of Uncertainty
While uncomfortable, ambivalence can be constructive. It motivates couples to improve communication, spend more quality time together, or re-evaluate their priorities. Recognizing mixed feelings signals emotional maturity – an ability to accept a partner’s flaws alongside their strengths. This honesty can lead to deeper connection, but only if both parties are willing to confront the hard truths.
How to Deal with Mixed Feelings
The first step is self-awareness. Identify what’s causing the ambivalence. Is it unmet needs, unresolved conflicts, or simply the realization that the relationship has changed? Communicate these feelings directly, but avoid accusatory language. Instead of saying, “You never spend time with me,” try, “I miss how we used to watch shows together. Can we make that a priority again?”
When to Walk Away
Not all ambivalent relationships are worth saving. If abuse, disrespect, or chronic dishonesty are involved, ending the connection is the healthiest choice. But in otherwise functional relationships, ambivalence can be a catalyst for growth. By acknowledging the messiness, couples can build stronger bonds and create more sustainable intimacy.
Ultimately, accepting ambivalence means embracing the full spectrum of human emotion. Love isn’t always easy; it’s often contradictory, frustrating, and imperfect. But acknowledging this reality is the key to building lasting, meaningful connections.
The story of Leigh and Thomas illustrates this point. Despite a genuine connection, their pattern of avoidance and reconciliation eventually broke down when Thomas abruptly reversed course on a major commitment. The heartbreak wasn’t due to a lack of love, but a failure to address the underlying ambivalence. Sometimes, rebuilding isn’t possible, and the only option is to move on.
